When Bernie Zirconium woke up on April 1, 2015, he was in for a bit of a shock. “I got a check in the mail addressed to Bernie’s Sanders for $100. The card with it just said, ‘Best of luck!’ and there was a little winky face written on it. I didn’t know what to think!”
In the year since then, the checks have kept rolling in, and Zirconium, who runs a small sanding emporium in Westchesterfield, Ohio, has been enjoying the windfall. Prior to this year, Mr. Zirconium reports that he had never received a single donation of any amount, but he has since started to receive hundreds of unsolicited donations — averaging about $27.00 each.
“It’s been amazing!” Bernie said. “Sanding seems to have finally gotten the attention and respect it deserves!”
Zirconium has started to use the money to promote his business’s latest campaign, tackling problems facing every American shop owner. “A sander in every home! That’s my platform. I think sanders should be affordable for everyone. It’s the key to any project’s future. I said that in 1960, and I’ll keep saying it.”
“I’m not in this business to make a profit. There’s no money to be made at Bernie’s Sanders. Just like sanding, the art of selling sanders is a labor of love,” Bernie muttered with a far-off misty look in his eyes.
Zirconium suddenly became rather agitated, slamming his fist into his workbench and yelling in an exaggerated Ohioan accent, “Gosh darn it, who doesn’t love the smell of some freshly made sawdust?”
Then, just as suddenly as it came on, the excitement was gone and Bernie was himself again. “Sorry. I’m just really, really, really passionate about sanding.”
As for his newfound popularity, Zirconium shies away from the spotlight. “This isn’t about me. This is about sanding. Somebody said I looked like Larry David the other day, so that was nice.”
